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Posts Tagged ‘Vocabulary’

Spin the Wheel! If you dare…

Monday, September 6th, 2021

Some of these symptoms I've experienced. Some shocked the bejeezus out of me.

2. Burning Mouth Syndrome

Along with your skinny vagina is Burning Mouth Syndrome with the decreased hormones resulting in reduced saliva production. Instead of your coochy ripping open, food is ruined. Things taste metallic and your mouth feels like it's burning. I don't know which is worse. I mean, you can't go without food. I guess I'd rather have zero metabolism than have burning mouth syndrome. As if we had a choice. Of course, you'll probably get both.

3. Hair loss/thinning hair

I thought that was for the dudes! Nope! Don't you wonder why your Aunt Maggie suddenly started wearing wigs? Because society doesn't prepare us for bald women. Bald dudes can be sexy. Hello Patrick Stewart. Sure he's old now, but he came to my undergrad acting class when he was in town for an audition for some new Star Trek thing. (Yup. I'm old. It was TNG.) He would've been in his early forties. I walked into my acting class and standing next to my teacher was some dude in tennis shorts. Some hot bald dude who acted with the Royal Shakespeare Company. Hubba hubba. But, aside from the voluntarily bald- like Charlize Theron in Mad Max, Demi Moore in GI Jane, or Lupita Nyong'o in everything- bald isn't a look that society embraces for women.

I was lucky that I started with thick hair. I never achieved scarcity. However, there was a time a few years ago that I kept clogging the drain in our shower. When I'd shampoo, my fingers would get tangled in the hair coming off my head. I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. I thought, it must be stress. It wasn't until several years later, as my menopause was winding down and when I was writing down the 34 symptoms that I realized that time was early in my menopause. Mine eventually stopped. Others does not.

4. Osteoporosis

This shit is evil. Did you ever wonder why all these old women were always falling and breaking their hips? I'd heard that some of the time, they weren't. There's a theory that hips break, so they fell. Now I can't find any sciency that states that, so it was probably an old husband's tale.

I've been considering starting skateboarding again, but this crone's bones are not what they used to be. It might be a serious mistake.

Thirty-Four Symptoms

Friday, August 27th, 2021

If you've been playing along with the audience, you knew there was more menopause to come…

Google never lies:

I've already mentioned a few of the typical symptoms. But then. there's all this weird shit that no one mentioned! I googled menopause symptoms" and one of the google summaries, you know, where something is googled so often that google helps you along with People often ask and then they answer it on the front page of your search. So, yeah, I googled the symptoms and it said, What are the 34 symptoms of menopause? 34? Thirty-fucking-four? No one — and I mean no one — mentioned that.

Don't forget google's famous, People also ask section of the results:   How bad can menopause make you feel? and Can menopause ruin your life? and my favorite, Do you fart more during menopause? For the cis-men in the audience, and those that did not get to experience the glory and hell that is menopause, the answer to all of these is Yes.

(According to the image above, the questions have changed.)

Let's plunge right in:

1. Thinning Vagina

AKA: Atrophic vaginitis

Did you know that your vaginal walls thin during menopause? Dry, sure. Mine became thin. And, no that isn't some crazy vaginal regeneration shit. Ooo. Her vaginal walls are so thin, they could be on the cover of Vogue. They call it vaginal atrophy. Atrophy, like withered. Not hot.

From a practical sense, it puts a serious damper on your sex life. Put it in gently, dear, or you'll rip me open! Seriously. Who wants sex like that? Rough sex, b'bye! Okay. Not b'bye. But maybe, if I ever wanted rough sex. If I got turned on by open sores. And pain. But I don't. Maybe this is what they mean when they say, pain may occur during sex- only they forgot to finish the sentence, because your pussy may rip open.

One way to combat this? Masturbate. Masturbate. Masturbate. Your vagina will thank you. Do it often. Because it brings blood flow to the area.

You're welcome.

Stay tuned for 33 more symptoms!

The Talk

Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Not THAT "The Talk"

"The Talk" was edited for clarity and inclusiveness on August 27, 2021.


If you're one of my younger friends who still has their ovaries, consider yourself warned. I will ask you if we've had the menopause talk. Even though I've just warned you, when it happens, you will get a look of terror in your face. A look of What the actual fuck is this crazy old broad going to say to me? or Doesn't she know we don't talk about such things? or What crazy idea does she have now? The talk must be had. Especially, for those of us with dead moms and no older siblings who've walked the walk. I sure wish someone had had the talk with me. Thank gawd for the internet, cuz it explained so many things. Of course, it also confirmed about 20 or so diseases I was dying from.

I have The Talk because during menopause because your body does all sorts of inexplicable new things that no one ever talks about. And some of the classics. You get your, What? Am I going through puberty again? bullshit with the raging hormones. Zits? Yes. Mood-swings? Yes. We're talking anxiety, irritability, depression, crankiness.

Tangent! I love that crankiness is a symptom on WebMD. I searched for crankiness without the menopause filter. It's also a symptom of organ transplant rejection and type 1 diabetes. I don't know how to process that information.

De-tangent: Except, of course, during menopause your metabolism isn't teen-aged. Your metabolism not only slows down. It comes to a screeching halt and starts driving backwards at full speed. If you like food- and who doesn't?- you're screwed. When I was 20, if I needed to lose weight- which I didn't- Why am I even going here? I didn't need to lose weight until my late 30's and only then because it's easier to buy clothes when you're not plus sized. Also, when you're thinner, you're more bendy for sex. Very important. Sorry. I did not want to talk about weight, because, fuck weight. It's just, the reverse metabolism is evil. E-fucking-vil. Suddenly you need a new wardrobe because of the weight gain. And then another. And another.

Some of us get nonstop periods. That's not fair. It's hellacious enough to sit on a fine merlot once a month. But then, they flip the script. Instead of 3 weeks off and 1 week on, let's do 3 on & 1 off! And perhaps we'll insert a geyser! You need two tampons and maxi pads for just one hour. Period panties are usually the saddest pair of chonies you've got. To the uninitiated (that is, those who've never ovulated), underwear graduates to period panties. They don't start out that way. They're usually just fine. Till they rip. Or till they get stained with your, crap-I'm-early period. They're the old sad pair, not the ooo-someone-might-see-these pair, but the please-don't-let-me-get-in-an-accident pair. The mom-would-be-horrified-if-she-knew-I-was-wearing-these pair. The, let's be honest, most comfortable pair.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Menopause. When my cousin first got her period, she said, I can't wait for menopause! She still stands by this statement, post-menopausal.

You'd think that once you hit menopause, you could have sex with impunity! Can't get knocked up anymore. Sure, there are diseases, but if you're in a monogamous relationship (and trust your partner not to stick their dick or anything else anywhere contaminated), you should be good. (Right, honey?)

There are the typical menopausal issues:

  • Hot flashes
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble sleeping because of hot flashes
  • There's that thick piece of hair that just sprang up on your face.
    • Or neck.
      • Or nipples.
        • Or an unwanted beard or mustache.
    • I'm more of a single hair type. But they appear with a vengeance. They love moles, especially moles that didn't exist before.
  • There's the previously mentioned pubescent mood swings.
  • And vaginal dryness- we gotta change that term.

Period

Thursday, November 12th, 2020

The standup continues…

Good: The tagline, "You're a vagenius"
Horrid: that they're called "down there wipes"
Embarrassing: that I call my vagina a "hoo-ha" in this post
Hoo-ha remains because I believe in calling myself out

I grew up hearing a quote from my cousin, who, at the onset of her period, said, I can't wait until menopause. It was an attitude I adopted and ran with, because, seriously, blood snot coming out of my hoo-ha and ruining all my clothes and making me double over in pain was stupid and annoying. No wonder they called it the curse. It makes me think that if there is a god, she must be a dude, because, seriously, is this some sort of revenge porn? There had to be a tidier less painful way to prove you're not pregnant.

There were a few times I worried about being pregnant, but my period was more likely to be early than late so I didn't have the scares that so many of my friends did. I don't even know if I can (could) get pregnant. My mother — in one of her many ploys to get a grandchild — told me that after she had a baby she stopped having cramps. I may have considered popping one out for about 30 seconds, but I was more willing to have cramps for two days a month for thirty-five years instead of having my life derailed by having a child. Wait. Let me do the math. Doubled over in pain from four to eight hours per menses. (I said menses cuz I'm doing math and it makes me sound more STEMMY.) Average that to six hours per period. Twelve months a year. For 35 years. That's over 2500 hours, or over 100 days, or 15 weeks, which is about three and a half months. So, I gave up three and a half months of my life so I didn't have to have a kid in the off chance that it would get rid of my cramps. What if I had a kid and still had cramps? If I do that math, its….. just pure evil.

It's okay. The pain lessened after about twenty years.

Whoever came up with the phrase "Sitting on a fine merlot" – Thank you.
Photo Credit: THOR, CC BY 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0, via Wikimedia Commons