If you've been playing along with the audience, you knew there was more menopause to come…
Google never lies:
I've already mentioned a few of the typical symptoms. But then. there's all this weird shit that no one mentioned! I googled menopause symptoms" and one of the google summaries, you know, where something is googled so often that google helps you along with People often ask and then they answer it on the front page of your search. So, yeah, I googled the symptoms and it said, What are the 34 symptoms of menopause? 34? Thirty-fucking-four? No one — and I mean no one — mentioned that.
Don't forget google's famous, People also ask section of the results: Â How bad can menopause make you feel? and Can menopause ruin your life? and my favorite, Do you fart more during menopause? For the cis-men in the audience, and those that did not get to experience the glory and hell that is menopause, the answer to all of these is Yes.
(According to the image above, the questions have changed.)
Let's plunge right in:
1. Thinning Vagina
AKA: Atrophic vaginitis
Did you know that your vaginal walls thin during menopause? Dry, sure. Mine became thin. And, no that isn't some crazy vaginal regeneration shit. Ooo. Her vaginal walls are so thin, they could be on the cover of Vogue. They call it vaginal atrophy. Atrophy, like withered. Not hot.
From a practical sense, it puts a serious damper on your sex life. Put it in gently, dear, or you'll rip me open! Seriously. Who wants sex like that? Rough sex, b'bye! Okay. Not b'bye. But maybe, if I ever wanted rough sex. If I got turned on by open sores. And pain. But I don't. Maybe this is what they mean when they say, pain may occur during sex- only they forgot to finish the sentence, because your pussy may rip open.
One way to combat this? Masturbate. Masturbate. Masturbate. Your vagina will thank you. Do it often. Because it brings blood flow to the area.
You're welcome.
Stay tuned for 33 more symptoms!
Tags: aging, female, menopausal, menopause, Vocabulary, women
Hey Lady! So I can't believe we haven't had the chance to hang out even though I've known yer fella since those crazy days at the UA6 in the 80s, but if you want to get together for happy hour margaritas and trade notes on the majesty and pageantry of menopause I will be there with bells on (and also a light zip front hoody that I can easily remove because of all the fucking hot flashes). We can compare notes on sleepless nights, horrific gynecological changes you never new were possible, and migraines! Get my number from your guy or Brian.
i know, right?
and i'm mostly done with menopause. (aside from the occasional hot flash) i just don't want anyone to ever go through it in complete ignorance, like i did. and i want to destigmatize it.
yes! we should hang!
[…] And here is where the 34 start […]