This started as stand-up so I expected you to see me when you heard this. But now you're reading it. So…..
I know, you're thinking, well, she's really given up on herself. Nope. This is me. I've never been girly. Rachel Maddow wears too much makeup for me. You know that girl who wore a tux to her prom? That was me. Even though I went with my boyfriend. I find that I still have to come out as hetero. A situation I would often find myself in when I moved to San Francisco. Having to come out. And to every therapist I ever had. No. I'm not a lesbian. I like dudes!
Then the world at large started becoming aware of the difference between gender and sexuality- or we all caught up with the enlightened. That's when a light bulb went off in my head. Ohhhh. All these years, that's what people have been picking up on. Not that I was a lesbian, but that I was part dude. Not transgender. Just a pinch. Okay. More than a pinch.
Gawd bless the nonbinary for letting me realize this. I love the overexuberance of youth. Some say they over-embrace the nonbinary, but if they didn't where would we be? Fuck we- where would I be. Questioning my sexuality because everyone else did.
Let me back up.
I had short hair when I was little. I used to get mistaken for a boy. A LOT. By girls in the girls' bathroom. Girls screaming- something I never did. I mean, I yelled, but I never screamed- girls screaming that I was in the wrong bathroom. Their response both upset and empowered me. What's wrong with me?! I'm a freak! Wait. I had older brothers and I wanted to be like them. So, yay?
I wanted so badly to be like them, my older brothers, that I shaved once- before they shaved. And cut up my face. My family laughed at me. Girls don't do that, they said. And I thought, well, they don't because it hurts.
I also tried to pee standing up. They told me girls don't do that, either. And it was messy. Mom had to talk to me. Apparently, boys are equipped to do this. Which is not fair, because public restrooms are disgusting. I'd rather pee standing up instead of spending eons fashioning an ass-gasket- er, er, toilet seat cover- out of toilet paper. Just one of the many ways that men have an advantage over women. Wait. Gender. Men/women. Plumbing. Whatever. I get confused when I have to talk about whatever we are / I am anymore.
I've often wondered if my proclivity toward men's clothes is just about the pockets. Oh, and the comfort. And the flat shoes. And I don't do skirts. Didn't. The only time you'll see me in a skirt is if my crotch needs some air. Ugh. My poor mother would go batshit any time I dressed as a girl, any time I did anything remotely girly. Needless to say, she wasn't happy that I wore a tux to my prom. My first year of college, I asked for make-up for Christmas. She bought me $500 worth of make-up. And this was 1984. So, that makeup would probably cost at least a couple thousand in today's dollars. Seriously. She wanted me to be girly.
Sorry Mom.
i've never felt particularly girly either, but i never would have had the balls to wear a tux to the prom, assuming i had been asked, which i wasn't. so cudos to you, my friend. I enjoyed reading your blog today. as for menopause, try not to think about it. unless, of course, you have bad symptoms, which I did not. I barely noticed it. Miss playing scrabble with you!
I miss scrabble too! and i'm done with menopause. i've had some horrible symptoms which you'll read about in later blogs.
miss you!
I also had an older brother and spent my early childhood in Indiana as a tomboy. I did not have short hair, but I HATED to wear skirts or dresses. I was one of the fastest runners in my class and played tag most recesses with a mixed gendered group of kids. Until my parents moved us to Louisiana and there were no other tomboys. All of the girls were girly. Make-up, hairspray, and shaving your legs was the norm for 12 year olds. I tried to conform. I still didn't wear skirts but I grew my hair very long and managed not to get called out for unshaven legs very often because my hair was blond. Instead I was called out for not poofing my bangs in that giant 80s way. What was WRONG with me??!??! When the 90s hit I couldn't wait to be a hippy. I managed to avoid ever shaving anything. Until in college I shaved my head. And wore baggy, comfy, deep-pocked men's clothing. IT IS SO PRACTICAL AND COMFORTABLE. And when it's formal and tailored it can be mighty fine and dandy. I joined a womyn's theater in NYC and also had to repeatedly come out as "mostly straight." I did date a few women. One of whom later came out as a man. Yeah, so…gender = social construct. Let's all wear what we like and not worry about it.
My husband & I went to the same elementary school for one year, but never met because I was playing basketball and he was playing with his toys (dolls) in the tree planters. Silly silly social constructs.
In reading this, I now get how we connected. I'm the baby of 5, 3 of which are boys. I, too, am dudeish. Same thing- I thought my brothers were awesome and wanted to emulate. Everyone panicked because I'd put on a dress and patent leather shoes (because my Mom made me). But I'd be in that dress and shoes whilst climbing to the roof and jumping off. I still feel more like a guy often. Certainly the more masculine than my ex-hub. Sending my high regards, empathy and support, SIL! (Sister-In-Love)
My mom would dress me up, but I never understood wearing a skirt meant keeping your legs closed. Also: When we played hide-and-seek, why couldn't I take my shirt off?!
.It amazes me how humans try to sort, categorize and label. I remember Sesame Street – "one of these things is not like the others" – a cute little song, but concluding that one of four things is different and does not belong. What if you feel like you are the one that is not like the others? What if you are afraid that you will be seen as one of the group, but you feel like the outward appearance denies your inner truth? What if the concept of belonging always implies exclusion to you, and therefore makes you uncomfortable? In my childhood dreams, I was always male, but I was attracted to men. I prefer to wear dresses much of the time, but I finally threw out the makeup my mom bought me for job interviews over thirty years ago – and it wasn't even half used. I have fun with earrings and necklaces, but can't stand high heels. I am a hetero woman, and proud to be all I am, whatever that may be, wherever I may fall on the spectrum. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure I want to belong to any group either…. my preference is for an amorphous and constantly shifting flow, where points of similarity can create community without restriction… and yet that seems like a position reflecting my privilege. Thanks for your blog. Looking forward to more!
I'm so grateful that Luke doesn't care about makeup or heels.
[…] more of my gender ramblings, see what I wrote in 2020. I just didn't quite comprehend what it really meant to […]